Wednesday, April 22, 2009

One More Week.

Well folks, One more week of school.


One week.

I have to say, in the last week the whole semester has caught up with me. I am really quite exhausted with the whole school thing. Summer really couldn't come at a better time.

I think the semester will finish well. I'm trying to remember that all I can expect from myself is my best. I feel like I've run out of gas, but I still have to make it to the end. I guess I'm hoping I'm driving a hybrid and the electrical part can kick in and get me there.

Really, it's not so bad. I turn in a paper tonight, I need to revise a draft of another paper that is due next Wednesday. I have a few poems to revise that will be included in my poetry portfolio due next Tuesday. I have two finals- one next Tuesday, and one next Wednesday. And then I'm finished. So really, not so bad.

I think what is making this so hard is that I am just... over it. That sounds so lame and I really do love school, so don't think I'm being silly. I'm just really ready for a break. I think knowing that the surgery is two weeks from tomorrow plays a part in all this too... knowing my body will be changed forever (granted, for a good reason), is always on my mind.

I don't know if that awareness comes solely from vanity, or from a feeling of fear for the actual procedure, or what. It doesn't help that whenever someone asks where I'm having the surgery and I respond "at the post hospital" the response inevitably includes widened eyes, a kind of balking action in the reverse, and finally some kind of "oummm, well i hope that goes well for you." Err... yeah. Me too.

Don't worry though (I say to myself)- God is in control of the Doctor's hands just like he's in control of everything else. I have my pre-op appts tomorrow and I think knowing some more details about the procedure and recovery will help (at least I hope). My dad is then going to call and chat up the Dr, make sure he's legit and we don't have any doubts about his capabilities. In all honesty I just want to get Frank and Vinney out- have them be gone, and move on. I think sleeping on my stomach is going to be so pleasurable when I don't have a big globule pressing in to my trachea.

The funny thing is, I really did start out here to talk about how psyched I am that I only have a week left. I suppose the anxiety of actually finishing, and of the surgery, have shown themselves here. But hey, yous guys can handle it.

I'll let you know how the finals etc go. Again, I'm resisting the urge to feel that anything less than a 4.0 is good enough. I have that real sense that I'm less good, less valued, less intelligent, if I get anything less than that. But I KNOW that isn't true. That creeps in and trips me up as I do my work. Rather than writing as well as I can, I start aiming at A's- NOT GOOD. So I'm working on shifting my brain back AGAIN (how many times have we had this conversation, me?) to the reality that I am loved by God, my husband, family, friends, whether I get a 4.0 or not. Sounds silly, but wow, it is a relief! Now I just need to work on ME accepting that.

Ok, I need to stop babbling about that. I'm going to do my very best. Then I will know that I've done all I can do, and that is precisely what I can expect from my brain.

Teter- OUT.


Allison and Noah Riley said...

Good luck! (On all fronts!)

Ashley said...

We will be praying for you. It is hard when you have that over it feeling. You can do it!!!

Leslie said...

Your best is always worth an A - have no fears! I'll be praying for you this week and next. Oh and no worries about the base hubby had eye surgery and it all turned out great! :)

melissa o said...

I don't think this was as debbie downer as you think - you are facing a rather circular shaped medical problem in the face and HI, you've been going to school almost non-stop for more than 17 years...I would be worried about you if you weren't a little stressed. Besides. It's sorta what we do.

THink of all the free time we would have if we stopped stressing. NOT APPEALING. Ok, maybe it is. But...that's who we are.

I love you. Mucho grande.