Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Back to School.

New York City, here I come!

I think that sounds enthusiastic, and oh- believe me- it is, but at the same time, imagine it a bit deflated, ok?

It looks like I'm taking off- back to the land of sidewalk cafes, roomates, subway rides, and school. I leave tomorrow morning. I am looking forward to the semester, and yet I have this sense of... I dunno. Not sure I can describe it. I'm leaving something, and I know what that is- but there's more than that.

I'm at a point where I feel the urgency to complete. I want to complete the next 2 years- I want to have a degree and start real life. WHAT>? As soon as I type that out my mind reels and my body jerks as if to say "oh no you dini't!" I have NO IDEA what the future holds, no idea what I'll do for a living, much less what I'll do for my concentration! So how in the Bob Jones University am I going to graduate when I'm so... young?

I feel that you, my readers (whoever you are- often I suspect these are ramblings I only put out there to get them off my mind, and I'm ok with that) must be bored with this little quibble I continually have. Home vs. New York. Life vs. Learning. Or both. Or Neither. Love vs. Fear. Travel vs. Sticking around. I never get anywhere.
Here's the thing though- I'm not scared. I'm not worried. I'm a bit nervous- how will I manage this course load, this schedule, etc- the usual I think- but I'm not terrified like I have been before.

I'm learning to surrender. And not just surrender and then take up my arms again, but toss the gun across the deck and be done with it- and it's a relief. So I guess all of that mulling and nothingness is to say that I'm excited for the semester- but I'll miss you, Home, and all you hold- and I'll see you soon!

So- off to pursue the immediate goals, while all the while eyeing what's next.