Number One.

I recently received a message from a friend in California stating that he had heard that I leave, according to another friend in California, the longest voicemail messages. I'll take that. You know me? You know this to be all too true.

But here is the thing: He said that he was dubbed second best long-voice-message-leaver next to yours truly- and so he was calling to leave a ridiculously long message on my cell phone to prove himself.

My friend, I respect your efforts, but you can only qualify for world's longest voice message leaver if you repeatedly and un-prompted leave insanely lengthy messages to multiple and unsuspecting loved ones. So- good effort, and I'll give you some credit- your rehashing of minutes 1-54 of your day in detail, plus the explanation of something to do with Bill Frist (also, dear, annunciation is required) was quite impressive- yet totally irrelevant, and therefore, leaves you in second place where you will undoubtedly stay for quite some time.

Several quick tips:

1- always state the reason you are calling, especially if you are returning a call.
2- always inquire about the other person's well being.
3- always crack at least one really bad joke that will make you laugh for several minutes with silent clicking sounds caused by the air catching in the back of your throat as your abdomen heaves with silliness instigated by your own stupid comment that the receiver will not understand, but at which they will probably laugh because they think it's funny that you think you're so funny.
4- always review the contents of your message at the end of your message.
5- always state and re-state your availability for a call return.

I offer free consultations if anyone should wish to pursue this matter further. And to you, longest-message-leaver-number-two: best of luck!