It is interesting, isn't it. That nameless it to which I refer... it is complex, right? The sound of your feet hitting the pavement when you walk alone, the sadness you feel when you see a trampled flower, how a blind man can put things into perspective so quickly.
So here we are. It has been almost a month since school has started-- can it really have been that long, and yet... how times passes so slowly sometimes! I've been enjoying school, and New York has grown on me- as usual. I miss home, I miss life in Utah, but I'd miss life in New York if I weren't here. I know that is true for NOW... what the future holds only God knows. You better believe I'm begging him to tell me. But really I feel content. I don't feel rushed and hurried and harried about things, I don't feel sad all the time, and I don't always miss home. It is scary to type that- does it mean that I am meant to be here for a while... a longer while than I had planned? And if I know that I am meant to be here for that lenghty while I didn't plan, does that make me miss home more- continuously? I'm not sure.
School is going well. My disaffection with math has not waned, but my love for languages grows by the day. Italian is wonderful, I like the people and the teacher- it makes me hunger to learn more and more... I want to be emersed and learn all at once!
I keep hearing how more and more people are getting married, getting engaged... these are my close friends. Some I am excited for, some I am baffled by... but mostly, I think, it has left me feeling a little ponderous and maybe even alone. I've got someone wonderful- Josh, you know, but I don't meant that kind of alone. Alone in this stage of life- maybe that's it.
My brother got married 2 weeks ago yesterday- it solidified the knowledge that I am truly not ready to be married. It also made me feel jealous... and miss him. Him Gavin, my brother. My big bro who taught me to play soccer and basketball, and tried his best to teach me how to throw a spiral football. It's an odd sensation, feels like maybe I lost a best friend to whom I haven't seen in a while. I'm so happy for him, but I worry that as we grow older we'll grow farther apart- all of us. If I have any control over that, it won't happen.
So what am I trying to say? I don't know. This is stuff I need to express I guess. I'd write it down but I can't write as fast as I think. Today is a day I have a chance to make a different... did I? Am I aware enough of the people around me, do I love them enough? I hope so... but I know taht I don't. I catch myself feeling annoyed about the slow people walking in front of me. I forget to hold open doors and I shy away from buying homless men coffee. I know these things don't make me a "bad person," and I certainly don't believe that deeds can redeem. But I do believe that what I do is probably an indication of who I am... I hope I'm doing who I am.
I've wandered all over the place, better stop myself for now!